


There's a Crack in Everything

by fade2red



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 05:58:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10530330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fade2red/pseuds/fade2red
Summary: I wrote this a while back because Berena is adorable and I was trying to impress a pretty lady. Set shortly after Bernie returns from her painfully long secondment in Kiev.





	

Relationships, as all things, are built on adjustment and compromise. Serena knew that, she even welcomed it despite the way the earth shifted and her heart defied gravity every time Bernie was around. Change was good, exciting, oh yes, a bit terrifying but in the end wouldn’t they be all the better for it?

Ups and downs would be inevitable, all relationships had those. Even as Bernie stood before her, apologetic, sheepish, and anxious to the point of distraction, Serena, had accepted that much of her life would change for good or for ill. In fact, she welcomed it. Despite the initial anger and heartache Bernie’s departure had caused it would all be worth it. No matter how they ended up, it would be better than spending the rest of her days wondering “what if”.

The first few weeks were tentative, which thanks to Jason’s obsession with Strictly Come Dancing, Serena likened to a burning Paso Doble. Two steps forward, one back, sometimes with Bernie leading, sometimes her. Both going round, both learning, sometimes stumbling as they worked out the steps.

Berenice Wolfe was as complicated as she was beautiful and Serena sometimes despaired at ever peeling back all the layers. Especially since Bernie did little talking about her feelings. One knew immediately where they stood with Serena Campbell. Not that she would consider herself emotional, oh no, not that. However, when Serena felt passionately about something she didn’t hold back; everyone within a 10 km radius knew where she stood. It’s what made her a good surgeon and a lousy card player but one couldn’t have everything, now could they?

On the other hand, Bernie seemed to hold any voicing of her feelings as a weakness she feared would be exploited. Perhaps, not by Serena per se, but exploited nonetheless. Serena was having to look for her cues in other areas. She had taken to studying her girlfriend with intensity, slowly learning and interpreting the signs of the emotional turmoil churning beneath that calm cool macho Army medic exterior.

If there was one thing Serena had in spades, it was patience and Bernie knew it. She showed her appreciation in a multitude of ways that did not involve words. They were learning, it seemed, and growing closer. 

First, Bernie stayed one night a week at Serena’s then two, then four. They hadn’t discussed any further living arrangements but it seem to be an unspoken inevitability that they were moving closer to “ours” than “yours” and “mine”. Serena knew better than to push but rather let Bernie find her own comfort zone regarding cohabitation. Jason, however, put his two pence in right away that Bernie might as well just move in. Subtly wasn’t his strong suit, bless him.

As the days passed, small cracks in Bernie’s tough facade began to appear. She smiled more, joked more, relaxed more, and even on occasion talked more regarding intimate matters. Serena knew other darker moods lurked in Bernie’s psyche as well. How could they not? She didn’t know the depth of the horrors Bernie had witnessed during her military service but she knew they were there, somewhere in the stormy depths of Bernie’s mind.

Every once in awhile Serena would catch a glimpse of that other side of her lover. A certain weariness would cause a slump in Bernie’s shoulders or a tremble in her otherwise steady hand. Sometimes, during the military documentaries Jason was so fond of, Bernie’s gaze would grow distant and haunted. She always snapped back before Serena said anything but there was no denying it happened.

There were other small signs, bouts of restlessness in sleep, sometimes accompanied by a frantic muttering, sometimes not, but as brief as they were frequent. When this happened, Serena would rub soothing circles lightly on Bernie’s back until her breathing once again became regular and measured. She wasn’t even sure Bernie was aware this was happening and Serena was hesitant to broach the subject. Chances are a misstep would send Bernie running for the hills and she couldn’t bear to go through THAT again.

Serena was no fool, she knew the symptoms of PTSD. Even before Bernie buggered off to Kiev, Serena had wondered if it hadn’t played a part in Bernie’s behavior. Perhaps some of the guilt Bernie cloaked herself in stemmed from the horrors of war as well as her past infidelity and secretiveness. Intuition told her the concepts were intertwined, just as it told her Bernie would have to be the one to approach the subject.

Like so many aspects of their relationship, the first major chink in that macho armor showed itself in a rather unexpected way. It was an evening after a very long and grueling shift. The two of them were walking out to the car park discussing forthcoming holiday plans much to Serena’s delight. She was so giddy over the prospect of spending the holidays with Bernie, she didn’t hear the car backfire.

In a split second, Serena found herself pinned to the wall with Bernie shielding her in a protective manner. Now, most days Serena wouldn’t mind finding herself pinned anywhere by Bernie Wolfe, but not now. Not when she could feel the terror in Bernie’s grasp and see the wild chaos in her eyes.

“What…” Serena began but Bernie shushed her. The blonde woman looked furtively around. “Keep your head down,” she hissed.

Gently, Serena touched her girlfriend’s face. “Bernie, love, we’re safe,” she said softly.

Whether it was her tone or the slight touch, that brought Bernie back Serena couldn’t say. Slowly, Bernie relaxed, the tension ebbing as the wildness faded from her gaze and she returned to the moment. She blinked and took a step back. “Sorry, so sorry...I um..” Bernie stammered and began fumbling for the pack of cigarettes she always kept stashed in her coat pocket. “I don’t know what..uh happened.”

Serena stilled Bernie’s trembling hands by taking them in her own. “It’s quite all right,” she assured her girlfriend. With a smile, she reached into Bernie’s pocket and withdrew the elusive pack of smokes. “Here, I think you could use one.”

Bernie managed a sheepish grin. “Quite so,” she agreed as her lighter flared to life. She inhaled deeply then exhaled the smoke in a long shuddering breath. 

The stood in silence as Bernie finished her cigarette. “Right, “ she said crushing the ember under her heel. “Shall we continue onward?’

“Yes, let’s.” Serena smiled and followed Bernie to the car. They were halfway home before Bernie spoke again.

“Um, I’m sorry about that… what happened back there” Bernie ventured not taking her eyes off the road. 

“It’s quite alright, dear,” Serena replied. “Think nothing of it.”

“Right, good,” Bernie exhaled sharply. “Didn’t want you to think that sort of thing goes on often. Just a momentary lapse.”

“It wouldn’t matter to me if it did,” Serena said hesitating as Bernie shot her a piercing look. “I mean, I don’t want you hurt or upset but we all have uh, lapses.” The tension between them thickened. “What I’m trying to say is I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” Bernie replied tersely.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Serena asked.

“Not particularly.” 

“All right then.” Serena felt stung but she let it go. She only wanted to comfort and reassure Bernie. Unfortunately, one of the most infuriating things about Berenice Bloody Wolfe was that she refused to be either comforted or reassured even under the most mundane circumstances.

The rest of the evening was strained. Oh, they managed to make small talk throughout dinner. Jason kept the conversation lively regaling them with tales of his life as a porter. Why he got such a thrill out of doing such menial things Serena would never know but he was happy and that’s what counted.

It was well after bedtime, the lights were out and Serena was falling over the edge of sleep when she heard Bernie whisper. “Serena.”  
“Yes, love.” Serena mumbled sleepily.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Bernie said. “I didn’t mean to be so cold on the ride home. It’s just,” Bernie swallowed hard. “It’s not your problem and I don’t want to be a bother.”

Wide awake now, Serena turned to face her lover. “Oh you gorgeous, impossible woman,” she said with a hint of frustration. “Don’t you know you’re never a bother to me?”

“Of course, I am,” Bernie sighed. “You don’t deserve any more of my baggage.” 

Reaching out, Serena loving caressed Bernie’s cheek. “Haven’t you figured out by now, Major, that I love you all of you baggage included.”

“Warts and all, huh?” Bernie asked sheepishly.

“Oh heavens, no! Any warts we’ll see to right away. We do work for the health service after all.”

In spite of herself, Bernie laughed. “Oh, you!” She kissed Serena lightly. “You don’t know what you’re asking for. As you well know, I’m mercurial on a good day.”

Serena snuggled closer. “I’ll have you know, your mercurial and mysterious nature is what drew me to you in the first place. So there.” She punctuated the statement with a kiss to the tip of Bernie’s perfect nose.

“And yet you want to shatter the illusion that I’m tough and in control,” Bernie teased.

“There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in,” Serena mused.

“What?”

“It’s a quote, dear, Leonard Cohen,” Serena replied.

“Oh, right, Star Trek,” Bernie said.

Serena laughed merrily. “No, no, that’s Leonard Nimoy.” Serena found Bernie’s ineptitude with pop culture extremely endearing. “Leonard Cohen is a poet and a folk singer.”

“Ah, right,” Bernie smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, I’m rubbish at that sort of thing.”

“Not at all,” Serena said. “Besides, I know enough useless information for the both of us.”

Bernie pressed a gentle kiss to Serena’s lips. “I rather like that quote, no matter who said it.”  
Sighing happily Serena gave Bernie a squeeze. “Good. Keep it in mind will you? We’re in this together after all.” Serena rolled back over, settling into her customary position as the little spoon.

“Yes, together.” Bernie murmured into Serena’s hair as they drifted off to sleep.


End file.
